Michael Jordan attended a recent promotional event for Oakley sunglasses in Miami accompanied by two rather smoking hot companions, both tanned to the tilt, both fondling the thighs of His Airness

“They were both acting like his girlfriends, like it was a menage a trois. They both had their hands on his thighs,” said a spy. “The girls even looked alike, tan with dark hair.” Also at the Delano bash last week were magician David Blaine, who performed tricks for the crowd and snagged an Oakley employee’s digits, and Nick Cannon, who “had a line of women waiting to talk to him all night.” [link]

And in other incredibly useless news…David Blaine got mentioned in the same story as Michael Jordan and Nick Cannon!  What kind of world do we live in where an underwater magic freak such as Blaine gets gossip time with the likes of Jordan?   Well…probably the same kind of world that produces stories about body builders such as THIS.

1)  The same terrific hair stylist.  Trust me, the whole peach fuzz thing is tough to master by a trained stylist.  I really like the work done here.

2)  Both are seasoned, sub-par analysts.  Packer, of course, a has-been that called games horribly way-back in the 70’s.  Yoda missed that whole Sith Lord/Anakin/Darth Vadar empire thing….almost f*cked up the whole universe.

3)  Speak sometimes both in tongues, yes.

4)  Both assert a sort of cockiness that can be really f*ckin’ annoying.  I dread the kind of Packer stuff we’ll get in this year’s tournament right HERE…umm…impartiality not in the vocab.

5)  I may be speculating on the Packer side, but I’m fairly certain both had supporting Hobit roles in The Lord of the Rings.

6)  Each reportedly enjoys a delicious tossed salad from time to time….Yoda tosses amphibians.  Packer tosses colleagues salads (wink, wink).

7)  Separated at Birth.  Yup…out on a limb with that call.

8)  Each really needs a nice spa day…a soothing citrus facial scrub, followed by deep tissue work and a Cambodian style happy ending.  

9) Both will never die and/or retire.  Oh wait….did Yoda die?   Well….actually he didn’t!  He still floats around with Ben Kenobi in that far-out psychedelic Jedi state….I assume Billy and Dick Vitale will do the same in the future….

10) Both love themselves WAAAY too much to ever go away….little green bastard!  And Yoda too!

Sly Stallone poses as a slimy space alien.  Although, hair looks terrific.

All the recent hub-bub surrounding HGH, its use abuse by professional athletes, a disfigurement tool by Sly Stallone, and bikini enhancer by Mrs. Roger Clemens has jaded the public’s understanding of the drug’s benefit to millions of kids.  We’ve lost sight of the benefits that HGH brings – mainly to kids – who need the drug as a real growth agent beyond their roles in Rambo or in scoring chicks in the school cafeteria.  We’ve lost sight of the fact that we can’t all aspire to abuse HGH and have right shoulder’s that double as turkey innards such as Sly pictured above….

That being said….we need to cut out turkey in our diet….umm….I mean….we need go back to the drawing board with legislation that is proposed in Congress that will seriously limit the use of HGH and make it into a controlled substance….

Innocent kids already suffering enough are going to have more burden and hardship if Human Growth Hormone becomes a Schedule III drug (see HGH benefits HERE).  It’s more difficult to get, more doctors appointments, more stigma, difficulty traveling with it, and it may even go off the market while they repackage and label causing thousands of kids not to have access to it.  There should be more LAWS to punish the abusers and doctors that rx’ it rather than turning HGH into a controlled substance… 

Do us a favor and help out a friend by going to www.magicfoundation.org or sign the online petition HERE to VOTE “NO” on Bill S877 to make Human Growth Hormone Schedule III Drug.   Thanks much for your attention.

The New York Yankees and Billy Crystal have agreed to terms on a one-game minor league contract for the cagey 60 year-old to play this Thursday in an exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.   Umm…..yeah…..seriously.

“I’ve been waiting 50 years for this call,” Crystal said in a statement released by the team. “I’m overwhelmed by the generosity of the Yankees and commissioner Selig. I know this’ll be tougher than the Broadway Softball League, but I’m looking forward to helping the younger players, which by the way is all of them. Oops, I have to go, Scott Boras is on the phone.”  [link]

Seriously?   Umm….seriously!  Wait….yes…..serious.

In other news, I’ll be suiting up for the Los Angeles Lakers tonight against the Toronto Raptors.  Frankly, it was surprisingly easy to get the gig.  I called NBA Commissioner David Stern, professed my undying love for the Lakers, and he said ’sure’.   So, I suggest anyone that has a desire to play professional sports to give it a shot! 

My wife is calling Oprah today because she would like to host her show for a day.  WTF.  We’ll see if it works for other entertainment industries….and other professions.  My brother called the DA’s office yesterday and was assigned to prosecute a capital murder case this afternoon too….wish him luck!

Trent Green has signed on to have his head bashed around for another year.  Contrary to popular belief — and common sense, intelligence, wisdom, and any other word that implies smarts — Green signed with the St. Louis Rams as a back-up quarterback to starter Marc Bulger.   After two vicious concussions [see details HERE] and 1324 Advil over the past 13 months, Green has made the decision to give-it-a-go again,

“We have now solidified our quarterback position,” Rams coach Scott Linehan said. “You will be hard-pressed to find the quality we have at that position. Now we have another quarterback that has played in the Pro Bowl. Trent not only brings experience, but adds leadership to our team.” [link]

Coach Linehan neglected to mention the fact that quarterback’s typically have fully-functioning brain stems, know how to find there way home after practices, and are fed with utensils other than spoons.  Not to say that Green doesn’t have all his faculties together, but just last week he was picked up by police stumbling down the highway naked with his football helmet on.  When asked what he was doing, Green replied “stupid is as stupid does and I like sausage.”  Nobody was exactly sure what he was implying, but his agent reportedly negotiated an endorsement deal contingent on the Rams signing with Jimmy Dean.  Shrewd marketing, Trent.