www.PartMule.com » Blog Archive » NBA’S ALL-TIME UGLY TEAM

Wed 6.11.08

As the NBA season winds down, I’ve taken the liberty of assembling what I consider to be the NBA’s All-Time Ugly Team for your end-of-week entertainment.

My subjective review and settling on the “hideous requirements” took me through extensive research, time-consuming waffling on the make-up of the list, and exhaustive Internet research to come up with what I consider the most horrific ten players to ever lace up a basketball shoe. As you can imagine, that 15 minutes of Google image searching was incredibly draining. But, I think I’ll survive.

So, without further adieu, I give you….

The NBA’s All-Time Ugly Team

#10 Scottie Pippen

This man’s sheer mug despicable-ness is only matched by the farce that is his consideration as one of the top 50 NBA players of all-time. His nose is primed for jamming objects and a second career as a circus clown.

#9 Dirk Nowitzki

Without a doubt, the NBA’s most sleestak-ish player currently lacing ‘em up. I’m sure he has the personality of a stapler to make up for his lackluster appearance. I’ve highlighted my thoughts about Dirk in the past HERE.

#8 Pau Gasol

The obvious Big Bird of the NBA. It pains me to include a Laker on this list, but for the sake of impartiality and to be completely subjective, I’ve got no choice but to include this ugly bastard. I’m not sure if it’s the facial hair, his head of hair, his euro-attitude, or what it is…but, frankly, every game I see this dude’s mug I’m more and more convinced that his inclusion on this list is a no-brainer.

#7 Mark Eaton

This former Utah Jazz giant could very well have been #1…and very well may be on other similar lists. But, as you’ll see, he’s Denzel Washington compared to others coming up…well, maybe more like Cedric the Entertainer.

#6 The 1987 Boston Celtics

This team is vast and long with horrific looking mandibles. To choose just one would be an injustice and I wouldn’t want to exclude one and not include another. As a group, if you ask an actuary, the likelihood of assembling 12 men in a working environment with similarly bad looks is 0.0006%. Serious. I did the research.

#5 Patrick Ewing

My God. Another potential #1. I could make comments that would make Jimmy the Greek proud, but I won’t. I’ll just say that if you set-up desalination plants under Ewing’s armpits, you could surely cure African drought forever.

#4 Steve Nash

Wow. By far the top Neanderthal looking creature on the list. His archaic brow ridge alone could have catapulted him into the Elite 3, but his wife is a decent lookin’ ~~tranny~~ woman, so I didn’t feel it appropriate to put him any higher than #4.

See! Subjectivity. A well-rounded approach I’m taking!

#3 (tie) Chris Kaman and Popeye Jones

We’ve got The Undertaker vs. that dude from the movie Goonies in this pair. Frankly, I downloaded 11 ugly photos, and it didn’t make sense to have a top 11 list, so I fit these dudes in here as a tie. I think you’ll agree with my logic and inclusion of both on this list, right?

#2 George Muresan

This monstrosity of a monster was in the movie Giant with Billy Crystal and rumbled down the court in D.C. What struck me about this dude was a) he’s just plain butt ugly, b) how much did he pay for those hookers in the photo on the right, and c) if he didn’t pay for those hookers, that’s a helluva Photoshop job by some aspiring designer…kudos.

#1 Sam Cassell

A cinch to win the title was this alien looking creature that currently serves as a back-up point guard for the Boston Celtics. Since he entered the league with the Houston Rockets, this beast truly exemplifies the NBA’s tolerance for hideousness…regardless of race, creed, and chromosome count. I can’t imagine another dude in all-of-sport that could surpass this guy’s unsightly features.

Well….that’s my list! You’re welcome to your opinions on the make-up of my top ten, but I’m fairly confident this one is pretty solid. This list truly makes you consider the damage drugs and alcohol consumption can do on a poor fetus. Not to bash, nor accuse any negligence on the part of these men’s mothers, but I’m just asking pregnant woman of the world to consider the damage they can do bellying-up to a bar in their second trimester. OK?

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