A lil’ drunken/danked separated at birth for your weekend pleasure…. basically Separated At Birth with a Drinking Impairs Judgement twist.

Toronto Raptor’s Chris Bosh over-danked.  Yo, “eyes open!” Big Daddy!  

And Pookie from New Jack City losing it outside The Carter.

Steeler’s Jeff Reed hammered in Florida back in ‘07.  This is an NFL kicker?!

And the Man, the Weesel, Pauly Shore.   Surprisingly, I believe he’s sober there.

Tamba Bay Buc’s QB Jeff Garcia – obviously after a few cocktails with that pose.  

 Oh….the creature on the right is the winner of 2006 Ugliest Dog Contest, Sam.   Yes, it is real.

The winner of the 2006 Ugliest Dog, Sam.  

Oh….the creature on the right is Courtney Love.  Yes, she is real.

The Geico Caveman and Steve Na…..oops, sorry, left to right I mean Steve Nash and the Geico Caveman.   Oh, Steve Nash is pictured with Dirk Nowitzki, his former Dallas Mavericks teammate, and another random dude with a large mandible.

The Land of the Lost Sleestack and Dirk Nowit…..oops, sorry, left to right I mean Dirk Nowitzki and the Land of the Lost Sleestack.   Oh, there’s that dude again with the large mandible.

THANKS TO DRUNK ATHLETES FOR USE OF THE PHOTOS.

A bike race in Mexico turned deadly as a Brownsville, Texas man hopped up on booze and cocaine decided to drive like a Brit (no…not like a retard….but on the left side of the road) and plowed a group of cyclists.  The race is the third annual Matamoros-Bagdad Cycling Tour in which people from both sides of the border participate.   Border being Mexico and the U.S. (not Iraq…different Baghdad):

Some details of the accident:

Mexican police say 29-year-old Jesse Campos allegedly drove into a group of people participating in a bicycle race over the weekend.
 
One person is dead and several are injured in the Sunday morning accident.
 
Mexican police report that the Brownsville man was driving a 1989 Grand Marquis between Matamoros and Playa Bagdad Sunday morning.

Campos allegedly ran his car into a group of cyclists participating in the third annual Matamoros-Bagdad Cycling Tour.

[Story]

Jesus.  And shark attacks are supposedly a greater threat?  And I get grief for surfing off the shores of San Diego and the threat of an imminent attack by a great white?  Trust me.  Cycling in Mexico and/or cocaine use compounded with Tecate beer is just a bit more dangerous than any shark…on the danger scale it’s just above running into THIS and just below working for THIS. 

Actor Bill Murray is being divorced by his wife of ten years, Jennifer Butler Murray, on charges of abandoning her, cheating on her, and physically abusing her.  Still unclear is if he called her names or gave her SNL nuggies.  

His wife is trying to determine if the couple’s $7 million pre-nup is valid.  Regardless, per the pre-nup agreement, she still stands to get paid big if they divorce :

According to court docs, Jennifer and the couple’s four children moved out of the family home in 2006 because of what she says was her husband’s “adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.”

[Story]

This is bullshit.  What’s a guy to do?  So, he tries to quell is sexual addiction by smokin’ a blunt and relaxing.  No good…addiction to marijuana!  He tries to leave the house for some chill-time to simmer down.  No good….abandonment!  He hooks up with a random hottie at the local pub.  No good…..addiction to adultery…or something like that! 

This damn marriage thing can be soooo confusing!  It’s such a slippery slop* inside a bear’s trap.  

(Ed. Note: Shit…did I actually use “slippery slop” in one of my posts?  Oh f*ck!)

I’m a little late to the game with this post, but I’d be remiss in not acknowledging an event that involved horse racing, beers being thrown at drunks, and portable pissers. 

This particular event happened at the Preakness Stakes this past weekend…. and I’d be doing a disservice to the fine literary content that fills this site by not posting this as soon as possible.  Sorry if I let anyone down with my tardiness.

Best,

Mark Muleysses Twain 

This is a weekly post on the pitfalls of drinking and being an athlete, celebrity, or a dumb person in general. Generally, the photo above will be unrelated. Although, if a match happens, so be it!

A 21-year-old Floridian man lost his beer-bong while boating and took action into his own hands.

Seven hours after a Crestview father reported his 21-year-old son missing from Crab Island, the younger man was found safe on the docks behind a Destin restaurant.

The father told an Okaloosa County sheriff’s deputy that his son had been standing in the water about 3 p.m. when he last saw him, according to Sheriff’s Office report.

About an hour later, the son left a cell phone message asking his father to call immediately.

The father called that number and spoke to a man who said the son had been on his boat earlier, but had left to swim after his beer bong after it was thrown overboard. 

When the deputy found the younger man at about 10:30 that night, the son told him he had been trying to make his way home after waiting for an hour on the east side of Marler Bridge [SOURCE]

Beer, boats, and in-bred Floridians make for a catastrophic retardation cocktail.   The only thing worse more entertaining is crack and/or heroin, in-bred Floridians and the production crew of the show COPS.   Is it just me or does the “bad boys, bad boys” crew just hover over northern and central Florida 24-7 and film there constantly?  

Quick true story: I once stopped in a central Florida McDonald’s on a road-trip and here’s how an exchange went between a customer in front of us and the clerk:

Customer:  “How much for a 39-cent cheeseburger?”

Clerk: (after long pause) “That’ll be $16.38″

Customer: (after longer pause) “$16.38!  For a 39-cent cheeseburger?”

Clerk: (after very long pause) “Oh.  I thought you said 39 cheeseburgers….”

This was after an all-nighter in South Beach driving back to Orlando.   God knows where we were….and why I was making that drive in the first place!   We were on the floor crying and peeing ourselves laughing.

Note: A 39-cent cheeseburger is 42-cents (with tax). 

This is a weekly post on the pitfalls of drinking and being an athlete, celebrity, or a dumb person in general. Generally, the photo above will be unrelated. Although, if a match happens, so be it!

The Britney Spears debacle train rolled through Hollywood again last week.  It was full of hit-n-don’t-leave-a-note fender benders and sorted power partying with college students in Jacuzzis.  This of course while Britney is a custodial guardian — for now — to her two children.   

Note: use of the word “mother” to describe Britney would be considered defamation to mothers. 

This from US Weekly magazine:

The latest man to fall into the hard-partying pop star’s orbit is Matt Encinias, a 21-year-old college student…In just five hours, Encinias went from being an extra in her latest video to pounding drinks and locking lips with the single mom of two in a rooftop pool at L.A’s Standard Downtown hotel (after hours).

….the singer had arranged to have the pool reopened at 2 am for the exclusive use of her group….It was when the alcohol started running low that an inebriated Spears, 25, suggested a game of Truth or Dare. “I was dared to get naked and get out of the pool and walk as though I was on a catwalk in a fashion show,” says Encinias. “Britney was laughing really hard.” [SOURCE]

I guess this dude Matt Encinias was singing like a canary and chose ‘Truth” when the tabloids came calling.  The ‘Dare‘ was locking lips with this disturbing creature to gain the tabloid cash.  I mean, come on, can you see another reason to enter a STD-breeding cesspool hot tub with the Princess of the Bayou?