While I was carelessly wasting time writing about blasted cheerleaders, Lexa-Kobe, and the merits of legalize gambling, a major sporting record was shattered on Sunday –right under our mouth nose. 

Joey Chestnut ate a whopping 103 Krystal burgers in 8 minutes on Sunday, thereby crushing the 97 mark set by Takeru Kobayashi last year to take home $10,000 at the Krystal Square Off IV Hamburger Eating Contest….the KSOHEC…yeah, that’ll make it easier to remember.  This after taking down the hot dog record on July 4th.

We never thought we’d see someone anywhere near, let alone past, the century mark when we started the Krystal Square Off in 2004,” said Brad Wahl, vice president of marketing for The Krystal Co.

Chestnut beat 12 other contestants. Kobayashi, who won all previous Krystal Hamburger Eating Championships, didn’t compete this year because of lingering jaw pain from having a wisdom tooth extracted in June. [LINK TO STORY]

It appears Kobayashi is past his prime and a wanking sissy for not sucking it up despite his jaw issue.  The Americans are just too tough when it comes to gluttony and gorging ourselves. We dominate!  Yeah!  It’s cool to be an American!  We rock!  Yeah!  Don’t mess with the best….take on the rest!   Suckas!  

** Note:  this is a fictional dramatization of a middle American male who works a cement mixer outside of Kansas City.  I live in California and would never say such rude quotes of grandeur. OMG!  Plus, I only eat salad and occasionally chew on bark.  And I never vote Republican nor lift things. **

The reality of competitive eating is coming to the comfort of your own living room on Thursday, 10/18/07.  No, it’s not your beastly chick woofing down her regular Taco Bell Thursday course, but the eaters of the International Federation of Competitive Eaters (IFOCE) in a three-part show of gurgitators on Spike TV called Wedges and Wings – Featuring IFOCE president and PartMule regular Richard Shea.

Some detail for your amusement:

The show, packed cover-to-cover with eating action, is called Wedges & Wings and will feature 16 competitive eaters in two grueling eating contests.

Show hosts George Shea, Crazy Legs Conti, and Richard Shea will deliver all the action from the heart of The Fremont Street Experience, one of the most colorful and energetic spots in Las Vegas, NV.  [LINK TO STORY]

OBSERVATIONS 

A)  Fremont Street blows.

B)  You may remember the reality of competitive eating coming to PartMule when IFOCE President Richard Shea wrote me about our use of the images of the IFOCE without permission ….oops…..for our baseless story on the IFOCE doing a Mushroom Eating Contest in San Francisco.   ‘Cause I’m a reporter, if you didn’t know, and never creep into satire (!) 

C) FYI…my satirical event featured Kobayashi eating a fire hydrant he thought was a hallucinogenic mushroom during training.  Whoa.  Let’s not mistake that for reality now….I can’t wait to see the creative minds at work on this show!

Links on PartMule to Competitive Eating:

IFOCE Announces Mushroom Eating Contest For Labor Day

MECHA Eating Contest Cancelled?

Babe Ruth To Take on Joey Chestnut in Coney Next Year

Monty Python’s THE MEANING OF LIFE clip below….

Apparently my story on having the Mushroom Eating Contest of Haight-Ashbury (MECHA) wasn’t satirical enough for the International Federation of Competitive Eating President Richard Shea and he felt compelled to drop me a line

Let’s separate fact from fiction:

#1  The event will be the first hallucinogenic food to be contested - FICTION

#2  Kobayashi hurt his jaw before the Nathan’s Hot Dog event by mistaking a fire-hydrant for a mushroom bulb when training - FICTION

#3  The contest will be 72 hours long, with the winner taking home the coveted MAGIC 8 Ball Trophy - FICTION…but a good prize regardless.

#4  Thanks for getting real. FACT

Below is the email exchange: 

——Richard Shea wrote:——
Hi,
 
Can you please remove the false story about the IFOCE running a Mushroom Eating Contest and remove the names and images of Major League Eating Talent?  Thanks. 

Rich Shea 

—–Reply Message—–
From: Part Mule
Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2007 15:04:07
To:Richard Shea
Cc:
Subject: Re: eating contest

It’s called satire….i.e. - mule fiction as is clearly stated and implied on the post.   Get real.  A 72-hour mushroom eating contest?!

——Richard Shea wrote:——

I’m a fan of satire, this just didn’t strike me. No big deal though. I will get real.

Inside sources at the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) informed PartMule Wednesday night that the IFOCE will soon announce a new late summer eating event, The Mushroom Eating Contest of Haight-Ashbury (MECHA) to be held in the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco over Labor Day weekend.   

The event will be a first of its kind, since it will involve the first hallucinogenic food in the IFOCE’s history, psilocybin “magic” mushrooms.  

Newly crowned Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Champ Joey Chestnut and former five-time champ Takeru Kobayashi are both expected to compete at MECHA and have been privately training for the past few months, even before 4th of July contest at Coney.

The MECHA contest rules will be a little unconventional for IFOCE standards, as the contest will last for 72 hours with the winner having consumed the most mushrooms during the period.   

Sources tell us that no prize money will be awarded, but that the grand prize is said to be only a MAGIC 8 BALL trophy awarded the night of Labor Day.  Contest promoters are confident the trophy alone will be well received by the lucky winner.

Rumors had been swirling about the true reason for Kobayashi’s mysterious jaw ailment leading up to the Nathan’s Famous contest on the 4th of July.   Wednesday night, PartMule contacted Kobayashi and through an interpreter asked him about the MECHA contest, his mystery ailment, and how he’d been preparing for the new contest.

“Yes, I had been training in secret for the MECHA contest.  My regimen consisted of eating one-ounce of mushrooms every four hours for a full day.  I had to stop my training though, after I confused the mushrooms with a fire hydrant outside of my home.   Having consumed the entire fire hydrant, I wrecked my jaw for the Coney contest.   Luckily, I was able to eat the water nymphs that hid in the hydrant and protect my family from their evil ways.”

Needless to say, all eyes will be trying to focus on the MECHA contest this Labor Day.

** Note:  Security will be tight, as the Latino group MECHa may be protesting the use of their acroynm **

PartMule has learned from sources at Nathan’s Famous that Babe Ruth has decided to become a two-sport athlete and join the ranks of the International Federation of Competitive Eaters.  His goal is to challenge for the coveted Mustard Belt in Coney next year against new champion Joey Chestnut and former six-time champ Takeru Kobayashi.

Ruth reportedly signed three-year contracts with Heinz Ketchup and Oscar Mayer yesterday and will begin training immediately.  Contacted by PartMule this morning, The Babe became agitated about the possible naysayers of his ability to be a premier eater in the class of Chestnut and Kobayashi.

I’ll swallow up dem mutha-fuckas up!  I eat hot dogs in my sleep.  I sweat dogs.  I make love to dogs.  I’m part-man, part-dog - bitches!

Chestnut what?!  I ate 43 chestnuts in 2 minutes just yesterday.  Shell and all, come on now!  That Kobayashi shit just don’t taste right.  Throw some tartar sauce on it, and a little A1 and maybe it’s ahhhigght.  

Ruth reportedly wants to compete in both sports on the same day next 4th of July, but skeptics will undoubtedly point to Monty Python’s THE MEANING OF LIFE and the health risks that Ruth would pose to the Yankee Stadium crowd playing baseball after the Coney contest.  Video below.

In the most highly anticipated clash between the U.S. and Japan since WWII, Joey Chestnut displayed brave intestinal fortitude — ha, ha, ha! — and digested – ha, ha, ha! – the six-time champ Takeru Kobayashi to take the NFFJIHDEC. From ESPN:

Chestnut, the great red, white and blue hope in the annual Fourth of July competition, broke his own world record by inhaling 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes – a staggering one every 10.9 seconds before a screaming crowd in Coney Island.

“If I needed to eat another one right now, I could,” the 23-year-old Californian said after receiving the mustard yellow belt emblematic of hot dog eating supremacy.

Kobayashi, the Japanese eating machine, recently had a wisdom tooth extracted and received chiropractic treatment due to a sore jaw. But the winner of every Nathan’s hot dog competition from 2001 to 2006 showed no ill effects as he stayed with Chestnut frank-for-frank until the very end of the 12-minute competition.

Kobayashi’s previous best was 53½ in the competition that dates back to 1916. The all-time record before Wednesday’s remarkable contest was Chestnut’s 59½, set just last month in Phoenix.  [SOURCE]

Well, I’m glad that’s over!  Very distrubing to watch, but much more relieved that I don’t have to write about this shit anymore.   Kobayashi’s struggles at the end, hot dog water shrapnel splashing everywhere, etc.  were enough to make a brother projectile vomit.

The hype is over.  America can stand tall for a day!   Have a nice 4th of July, my friends!   You can resume your beer guzzling ways for the day!