Hey there PartMule faithful!  Happy Friday!  Damned if it doesn’t feel like Wednesday, but my liver can take it….

I’m here to report on a bit of an exclusive!   We awoke this fine morning to an odd e-mail from Knicks President and Head Coach Isiah Thomas.

In an effort to squash the growing swell of bad press, the perceived no-win situation at MSG….the torrent of negativity toward Thomas’ coaching, his demeanor, his ego, his wandering penis, his…..umm….ok…his everything…..the Knick coach has asked his good friend Jessica Simpson to lead the doubting Knick world in song, using this fine media outlet in that request, so the Knicks would be given some time….time to rebuild….time to nuture….A time to heal.   

[Jess leads in, to the tune of We are the World]

There comes a time
When we heed a certain call
When the Knicks must come together as one
There are people traded
And it’s time to lend a hand to life
The greatest gift of all

We can’t go on 
Pretending day by day
That a trade, somewhere will soon make a change
We are all a part of
Isiah’s great big family
And the truth, you know cash is all we need

[Knicks players join in chorus]

We are the Knicks
We are Isiah’s children 
We are the ones who can’t make a layup today
So let’s start re-ne-go-giating
There’s a choice we’re making
We’re lazy our whole lives
But it’s true I’ll make a better day
Cause it’s all about me

[Isiah leads]

Send them your penis…er…heart
So they’ll know that someone cares
And their lives will be stronger and free
As I’ve shown us by turning stone to bread
So we all must lend a helping hand

[Knicks players in chorus]

We are the Knicks
We are Isiah’s children
We are the ones who can’t make a layup today 
So let’s start re-ne-go-giating
There’s a choice we’re making
We’re lazy our whole lives
It’s true we’ll make a better day
Cause it’s all about me

[Jess continues…]

When you’re down and out
There seems no hope at all
But if you just believe
There’s no way we can fall
Well, well, well, well, let us realize
That a change will only come
When we stand together as one

[Knicks players in chorus]

We are the Knicks
We’re Isiah’s children 
We are the ones who can’t make a layup today
So let’s start re-ne-go-giating
There’s a choice we’re making
We’re lazy our whole lives
But it’s true I’ll make a better day
Cause it’s all about me

Although Butch Harmon, Tiger Woods’ former coach, didn’t hit a single shot during the final round of the Players Championship back in May, there’s no denying his tutelage was a big part of Phil Mickelson’s winning stroke and both were hopeful of things to come. 

“He’s got as much talent as anybody in the world, other than maybe Tiger,” Harmon said while Mickelson was accepting the trophy. “And I think if we can get him [hitting] out of the fairway, I think he can maybe rival Tiger.” [ESPN]

Now that Mickelson has struggled since his May splash with Harmon, he has decided to take all measures to mimic the success of Tiger.  In order to elevate his game, he’s convinced, he must marry a Swedish super model, similiar to Tiger’s marriage to Elin Nordegren back in late 2004.

This is a bold move for a man of with a strong marriage, three kids, and philanthropical background, but one he feels is worth it:

“For me to become completely like Tiger, I must walk Tiger, eat Tiger, act Tiger, have sex like Tiger, and really elevate my personal life, as well as my professional life.  I’m sure Amy (his current wife) and the kids will understand.   It’s better this way.  I’m excited that Joesfin, Tiger’s sister in-law, is available and I’m going to give it a shot!” (photo above)

As events such as the Michael Vick story and his subsequent indictment unfold,  opinions are forged and the public perception and sentiment are captured in editorial commentary, water-cooler talk, and by picketers/protesters either for or against him.

I searched the Internet for differing opinions on Vick, without bias, and came across photos from around the country of picketers that seem to highlight America’s diverse stance on a range of Vick related issues.

As Tiger Woods looks for his first major win in 2007 at this week’s PGA Championship at Southern Hills in Tulsa, Ok. –which would follow his crushing victory this past weekend at WGC Bridgestone Invitational – we’re wondering when he’ll ultimately bring his international design skills to the States.  Why, you ask?

Woods debuted his creative prowess when he started his golf course design company last year, signing a $25 million contract to build a luxury course in Dubai, U.A.E.  Which is about 10-fold more than what he’d make in the States.  Other major golfers such as Ernie Els and Sergio Garcia already have courses in the Dubai area.

Little known to most in the States is that Tiger has already launched other design ventures that were independent of his golfing, the golf industry, and some entirely devoid of sports theme altogether.   I tracked a few down:

The Tiger Woods Wood Bike - They were big hit in Denmark.  After selling 100,000 of these speed demons, kids began to complain of deep ass splinters and the product was pulled.  The excessive inventory was bought by the U.S. military at $500/unit and shipped to Iraq where troops were able to give them away to children there.   Tiger only netted $2.5 million on the venture.  U.S. taxpayers lost $50 million.

“Tiger Jammie” Spandex.  The Indians fell for the sleep gear and now wear it out on the town.  India loves tigers.  Apparently they love spandex and dressing like tigers too.  Weird “Tiger Jammie” bars have been opening in-and-around New Delhi where kinky Indians eat a lot of curry and emmulate sexual tiger acts.   Tiger has since discontinued this product line and disassociated himself from its use.

The Flaming Tiger Golf T.   This airy half-shirt was Tiger’s attempt at luring the homosexual golfer to Tiger’s brand of gear.  He sold exactly 18 shirts.  They were actually re-purposed into waiter outfits at a gay-bar in Manhattan called “I’ll be Your Birdie”.   Needless to day, Tiger foray into this niche market is over. 

Michael Vick was indicted Tuesday by a federal grand jury on charges related to illegal dogfighting, which could have implications, as it turns out,  on Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling.  This from Yahoo Sports:

The dogfighting operation was named “Bad Newz Kennels,” according to the indictment, and the dogs were housed, trained and fought at a Surry County, Va., property owned by Vick.

The indictment alleges that the 27-year-old Vick and his co-defendants began a grisly dogfighting operation in early 2001 in which dogs fought to the death — or close. Losing dogs were sometimes killed by electrocution, drowning, hanging or gunshots.

If convicted, Vick and the others — Purnell A. Peace, Quanis L. Phillips and Tony Taylor — could face up to six years in prison, $350,000 in fines and restitution.  [SOURCE]

In a surprising turn to the Vick story, sketchy reports out of Boston are now linking the blood stain on Curt Schilling’s sock in game six of the 2004 American League Championship Series to a Vick dog fight earlier that week.

Reportedly, two days before game six, Schilling had traveled to Virgina to attend a “Pimps and Hos” party hosted by Vick.  The party had become an annual trip for Schilling and his wife Shonda.  

At the party, Vick provided his customary entertainment of dog fights — “Pit Rumbles” –and Schilling was nipped and cut by Vick’s prize dog “Sparky”.  Schilling, in an effort to protect Vick, claimed that the injury was pitching related and the secret stayed secure until a few months back when Baltimore Orioles play-by-play man Gary Thorne claimed it was fake and painted on.  

With the Vick indictment, Schilling’s once Holy sock will now surely come back into question as the grand jury sorts out the evidence against Vick.

Inside sources at the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) informed PartMule Wednesday night that the IFOCE will soon announce a new late summer eating event, The Mushroom Eating Contest of Haight-Ashbury (MECHA) to be held in the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco over Labor Day weekend.   

The event will be a first of its kind, since it will involve the first hallucinogenic food in the IFOCE’s history, psilocybin “magic” mushrooms.  

Newly crowned Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Champ Joey Chestnut and former five-time champ Takeru Kobayashi are both expected to compete at MECHA and have been privately training for the past few months, even before 4th of July contest at Coney.

The MECHA contest rules will be a little unconventional for IFOCE standards, as the contest will last for 72 hours with the winner having consumed the most mushrooms during the period.   

Sources tell us that no prize money will be awarded, but that the grand prize is said to be only a MAGIC 8 BALL trophy awarded the night of Labor Day.  Contest promoters are confident the trophy alone will be well received by the lucky winner.

Rumors had been swirling about the true reason for Kobayashi’s mysterious jaw ailment leading up to the Nathan’s Famous contest on the 4th of July.   Wednesday night, PartMule contacted Kobayashi and through an interpreter asked him about the MECHA contest, his mystery ailment, and how he’d been preparing for the new contest.

“Yes, I had been training in secret for the MECHA contest.  My regimen consisted of eating one-ounce of mushrooms every four hours for a full day.  I had to stop my training though, after I confused the mushrooms with a fire hydrant outside of my home.   Having consumed the entire fire hydrant, I wrecked my jaw for the Coney contest.   Luckily, I was able to eat the water nymphs that hid in the hydrant and protect my family from their evil ways.”

Needless to say, all eyes will be trying to focus on the MECHA contest this Labor Day.

** Note:  Security will be tight, as the Latino group MECHa may be protesting the use of their acroynm **