With fuzzy little yellow balls being smacked around at Wimbledon this month, officials have become fed up with flying rats…umm….pigeons dumping on the spectators. So, as a deterrent, flying marksman….umm…hawks…had been deployed to scare the shitting menace from the sky. But…it didn’t quite work. So, real marksman have been hired to shoot the crappin’ beasts from the area.
The hawks are our first line of deterrent, and by and large they do the job,” Wimbledon spokesman Johnny Perkins said.
“But unfortunately there were one or two areas where the hawks didn’t deter the pigeons, so it was deemed necessary to take a harder approach,” he explained.
The marksmen were summoned by Wimbledon as pigeon droppings on the restaurant tables were thought to be a health hazard.
The decision to call in the marksmen was condemned as “cruel and illegal behavior” by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which complained to the tournament organizers and the police. [Story]
And you thought PETA would turn a blind-eye, didn’t ya? That maybe a more lenient PETA might just realize that flying rats are a scourge on our society…that the shitting bastards shouldn’t be allowed to shit, crap, and disease lay all-over the place. But, nooooooo…apparently PETA feels pigeons should live on the Earth, unscathed like all God’s creatures, and that we should be relegated to vegan-pigeon substitute product on our dinner tables! Sick PETA bastards!
Disappointing as it may be for all you tennis aficionados, defending Olympic gold medalist Justine Henin may pass on the 2008 Olympics in Beijing due to her battles with asthma and the expected poor air quality next summer for the games.
Henin withdrew from the China Open in September because of her asthma and is worried she might also be forced to skip the Beijing Games next August.
“I’ve had asthma for a few months now and I felt very bad in New York at the end of the (U.S. Open), so Beijing, I was really concerned about that,” Henin said Monday at the Sony Ericsson Championships. “I was pretty disappointed because I wanted to play the tournament and get used to the conditions.”
International Olympic Committee inspection team leader Hein Verbruggen called air quality in Beijing “a big problem.” The remarks came a week after the United Nations said air pollution was a major concern for athletes’ health ahead of the games. [LINK TO STORY]
In brighter news, Justin Henin might skip the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, which will undoubtedly increase the odds of having an Olympic final with two woman that don’t look like men. Also, odds makers have recalibrated their models and are hedging toward a final with four breasts.
The Martini Hingis tennis comeback ‘feel good story’ has been derailed. It was revealed on Thursday that the five-time Grand Slam champion tested positive for cocaine at Wimbledon this past year, on the same day she lost a straight set match in the third round. She denies that she’s ever taken drugs and will immediately retire, rather than face a mandatory two-year ban to be levied by the World Tennis Association:
I am frustrated and angry,” the 27-year-old Hingis said at a news conference in Zurich, Switzerland, her voice breaking as she fought back tears. “I believe that I am absolutely, 100 percent innocent.”
“I find this accusation so horrendous, so monstrous, that I have decided to confront it head-on by talking to the press,” Hingis’ statement said.
…although the formerly No. 1-ranked Hingis said she’s retiring in part because she doesn’t want to spend years dealing with the legal process. [LINK TO STORY]
I like this strategy. Run and retire, yet tell the world you’re going to “face it head on”. It makes perfect sense and is completely rational, since it doesn’t indicate any guilty when you cower under pressure and quit when accused of something bad. Right? Damn, she must have a fantastic PR machine running that Hingis bus.
The best way to confront allegations involving cocaine is to keep on, keepin on and face the music, while continuing your profession. I learned this from a friend of mine, a famous Cuban who once said:
What you lookin’ at? You all a bunch of fuckin’ assholes. You know why? You don’t have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin’ fingers and say, “That’s the bad guy.” So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. [LINK TO MY FRIEND]
Maria Sharapova is being used to sell watches in the Middle East. That’s right. Probably the world’s sexiest woman sports athlete is being used in merchandising Tag Heuer watches in the babushka wearing Middle East. Some details,
To celebrate the inimitable strength and stunning beauty of women, TAG Heuer announced the Middle East launch of a sparkling array of new, ultra-glamorous and totally irresistible TAG Heuer timepieces for women.
The Professional Sports Watch’s fashion-forward color, pink, along with its avant-garde design, capture the feminine quintessence of the extraordinary young tennis champion who inspired it. As stylish on the court as off, Maria embodies TAG Heuer’s strength, glamour and sporty elegance. [LINK TO STORY]
I guess since this is more targeted at the United Arab Emirates — a somewhat less extreme Muslim country – it ain’t all that crazy. I hear the woman there are allowed to walk within five feet of their husbands, instead of the customary ten feet in other Muslim countries. And they can engage in conversation with other men too….well, actually brothers and first cousins only….as long as it’s during daylight hours….between 1pm and 2:30pm…..on Tuesday’s. Also, the woman can actually show their wrists and look at their TAG watches on Wednesday mornings too!
After enjoying delicious In-N-Out burgers in sunny, beautiful, non-radioactive California, Maria Sharapova has decided she will return home to mother Russia and the place she fled as a child, Chernobyl.
The 20-year-old, 6′2″ tennis princess — yes, height is important to this story – will return to Belarus next July as a United Nations Ambassador. From Yahoo Sports:
“It’s in the beginning stages of what exactly I’m going to be doing,” she said. “But I want to visit the facilities that they’re building right now for the children — computer labs and hospitals.”
Her trip to Chernobyl will last just a few days.
“Unfortunately, I have about 28 days a year for the work that I do and for the sponsors, for the photo shoots and the visits,” she said. “Time is very, very limited.” [SOURCE]
Hmm. She’s 20-years-old. Chernobyl happened 21-years-ago. She’s Amazonian with incredible athletic talent and beauty. I’m wondering if she was morphed from some sort of radioactive mutation or something. Fair question? She is mutant-like in a sexy way.
“I’ve got a few Range Rovers in my garage and I don’t feel I need another car,” said Sharapova. “Maybe I’ll send it to Russia.”
Cars, it seems, are not important to Sharapova, but In-N-Out burgers are. After winning here a year ago, she visited an In-N-Out. “This year I want to do the same thing,” she said. [SOURCE]
For those of you right-coasters, you cannot imagine a better burger than In-N-Out….a delectable California treat that is untouchable. And Maria is a fan?
I must go now and pin that Maria poster on my bedroom wall. She is complete. She is my hero. She is all woman. I hear her roar.
