Tiger Woods fought the pain of an ACL tear at the U.S. Open last week by keepin’ energized throwing back cortisone shots vicodin apples.  Those lil’, sometimes sweet, buggers kept the dude crankin’.  Now, you too get some of that Tiger apple juice by bidding on Tiger’s chawed apple cores for the low cost of $6…oh, my bad…that’s just the shipping!   And there are multiple Tiger apple cores selling on EBay!

BTW….one dumbass bidder won one for $40.  Another core was bid up to $36,000 at 7am PST on 6/25/08…must be a attracting the serious collectors!  Riiiigghhhht.

Props: THE BEAR DOWN
 

Tiger Woods prowled around the South Course at Torrey Pines on Wednesday in preparation for the U.S. Open next week. His newly recuperated left paw (knee surgery….where ya been!) wasn’t an issue and his swing coach Hank Haney gave him the “thumbs up”. 

The San Diego Union-Tribune reported that Woods played in 3 hours, 15 minutes amid tight security and no spectators or media. The South Course has been closed to the public since May 21.

Woods was accompanied by caddie Steve Williams and swing coach Hank Haney. The newspaper said on its Web site that Woods laid up to 100 yards on the par-5 18th, and upon seeing a few people gathered near the green, picked up his ball and was taken around the grandstand to the parking lot. [Story]

Nice.  This is setting up for a tremendous booze-it-up weekend on the bluffs of Torrey Pines…with America’s fittest person in the mix.  I’ve got my fake EMT gear in place to get on to the course, my fake Canon Copier hospitality tent badge all laminated for free libations, and paid off all my outstanding warrants at the courthouse yesterday.  All set!  Now I just pray Tiger doesn’t recognize me or that whole “within 200 yards” thing may be my downfall.

Because we know the magazine Mens Fitness is the absolute authority on American fitness — and all that is wrong with my exercise regimen and diet — I feel uncomfortable writing about their take on Tiger Woods as the fittest American in….well….America.  

The June/July 2008 issue has named him to the top of their fittest list, edging out the likes of  Barack Obama and Chef Curtis Stone (huh?!).  Some of the reasons they’ve anointed Tiger:

Because he made us care about a sport we didn’t think was, well, a sport.
Because he raised the bar and made pro golfers care about winning again.
Because he made himself better, even while he was clearly the best.
Because he’s walking history.
Because even the icons say he’s the best.
Because he loves the gym.
Because he’s the first golfer we’ve ever thought of as an athlete.
Because he has a bangin’ hot wife.
Because he has all the toys.
Because he’s making all the money.
Because he’s the first golfer who’s jacked, and has the balls to show it off.
Because, quite simply, he kicks everybody’s ass, and could probably have done it in any sport.
Because when the shot matters most, he just sticks it.
Because he gets even better when challenged.
Because he embodies the best in all of our cultures.
Because we love the fist pump. (Did we say he has a bangin’ wife?)
Because we can’t stop watching him.
Because he is the bar.
For all these reasons, we recognize Tiger Woods as the 2008 Fittest Guy in America.  [LINK]

Just so you know, all those “Because” reasons are really gay straight from the mag and really gay completely lame.  I’m not sure why I’m even giving this thing legs by writing about it…but I just happened upon the article when I was looking for a unique way to be really gay blast my biceps for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend. 

With Tiger Woods nursing a sore, surgically repaired paw, could this be the year Phil Mickelson seize’s the open door and — as Tony Montana would say — makes some moves of his own?

This week’s $9 million – pseudo major tournament–the Players Championship is going off on Thursday and Phil is coming in as the defending champion with a full-year of tutelage from coach Butch Harmon.  Expectations could be high for Phil to breakout and roll a good performance at TPC into next month’s U.S. Open at Torrey Pines, his home course in San Diego.  His long-game is progressing with the Harmon handling, but he’s had setbacks with the short-game:

“I thought it (my game) would be progressing about how it has,” he said. “My driving of the golf ball has been totally different. My misses have been much smaller than I had been used to, and my sight lines have been moved in tighter inside the fairway lines.

“I think in the effort to improve my long game, my short game has suffered a bit.” [link]

Phil needs to man-up with these opportunities soon.  He’s no spring chicken anymore. With Woods ailing it seems like the opportune time for Phil to put down the late-night Taco Bell, crunch it out in the weight room, and bang out a few big wins here in the first-half of ‘08.   But, as has been the case with most of his promising career, I’m ready to be disappointed.

Since the Patriots dance with 19-0, the world has been waiting a couple of fortnights (in contemporary times….that’s 28 days…go figure) for the latest athlete, performer, stripper person to call “perfect”.   In case you haven’t noticied, Tiger Woods has been the latest pole grinder athlete we can truly call “perfect”.  He’s been annihilating the competition with a precise golf game that is sickening…

As Woods continues to dominate the modern game, questions will again be asked of his closest rivals and their inability to challenge him more consistently in the big events.

Already arguably the greatest player in history, Woods has sympathy for any suggestion his peers are underachieving in their bid to “step up”.

“It’s probably more offensive to them because it’s not like they’re not practicing at home,” said the 32-year-old American. “We’re all trying to improve. We’re all working extremely hard to get better.

“People just don’t understand that. Look at what some of the guys do in the off-season, getting more fit, getting stronger, more flexible. I think it is a shot at them a little bit.” [link]

Tiger has got the life.  The model wife, the new child, the pectoralis majoris, a few zillion dollars floating around the world’s banks….and now flirting with a perfect season?  

Of course, a perfect season in golf is absurd….but, hey, he’s crushing the odds already by landing a model wife with looks that rival a Mongols.  That speaks volumes for his tenacity….AND I’m not about to doubt he couldn’t golf perfectly.

Tiger Woods is off conquering the Middle East this week at the Dubai Desert Classic in the United Arab Emirates, where he shot an opening round seven-under 65 at the Majilis Course at Emirates Golf Club. 

Tiger is straight dominating fools right now, having won four-straight tournaments — including last week’s eight-stroke win at the Buick Invitational –despite a 10-week winter break (the longest non-injury break of his pro career).

Woods said that he felt he had played better on Thursday than at any stage last week despite the margin of his victory.

“I played pretty well and hit a bunch of good shots out there. I hit the golf ball a lot more clean today and shaped the ball better, so much better than last week when I just made a lot of putts. Couldn’t have asked for a better start,” he said.

“I had two good days of practice the last couple of days and started to hit the ball a lot better than I did last week.” [link]

This year is starting out to be the banner year I predicted HERE.  Even after he avoided getting lynched HERE.   History could be in the making for Tiger, folks….and he could very well end up breaking more records than this fool HERE.